So that I can only remember three severe fits of depression. One,
when I had just begun to be taken out in the Square Gardens, and
Selina Clarkson was heard to say I was a hideous little monster. It
was a revelation, and must have given frightful pain, for I remember
it acutely after sixty-five years.
The second fit was just after Clarence was gone to sea, and some
very painful experiments had been tried in vain for making me like
other people. For the first time I faced the fact that I was set
aside from all possible careers, and should be, as I remember
saying, 'no better than a girl.' I must have been a great trial to
all my friends. My father tried to reason on resignation, and tell
me happiness could be IN myself, till he broke down. My mother
attempted bracing by reproof. Miss Newton endeavoured to make me
see that this was my cross. Every word was true, and came round
again, but they only made me for the time more rebellious and
wretched. That attack was ended, of all things in the world, by
heraldry. My attention somehow was drawn that way, and the study
filled up time and thought till my misfortunes passed into custom,
and haunted me no more.
My last was a more serious access, after coming into the country,
when improved health and vigour inspired cravings that made me fully
sensible of my blighted existence.
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