The price he had had to pay for this boon was light as
compared with the boon itself. What is too heavy a price to pay for
having duty made at once clear and easy of fulfilment instead of very
difficult? He was sorry for his father and mother, and he was sorry for
Miss Maitland, but he was no longer sorry for himself.
It puzzled him, however, that he should not have known how much he had
hated being a clergyman till now. He knew that he did not particularly
like it, but if anyone had asked him whether he actually hated it, he
would have answered no. I suppose people almost always want something
external to themselves, to reveal to them their own likes and dislikes.
Our most assured likings have for the most part been arrived at neither
by introspection nor by any process of conscious reasoning, but by the
bounding forth of the heart to welcome the gospel proclaimed to it by
another. We hear some say that such and such a thing is thus or thus,
and in a moment the train that has been laid within us, but whose
presence we knew not, flashes into consciousness and perception.
Only a year ago he had bounded forth to welcome Mr Hawke's sermon; since
then he had bounded after a College of Spiritual Pathology; now he was in
full cry after rationalism pure and simple; how could he be sure that his
present state of mind would be more lasting than his previous ones? He
could not be certain, but he felt as though he were now on firmer ground
than he had ever been before, and no matter how fleeting his present
opinions might prove to be, he could not but act according to them till
he saw reason to change them.
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