She was as much out of my
life as I was out of hers. By day I wandered with Mrs. Wessington almost
content. By night I implored Heaven to let me return to the world as I used to
know it. Above all these varying moods lay the sensation of dull, numbing
wonder that the Seen and the Unseen should mingle so strangely on this earth
to hound one poor soul to its grave.
* * * * * * * * *
August 27.--Heatherlegh has been indefatigable in his attendance on me; and
only yesterday told me that I ought to send in an application for sick leave.
An application to escape the company of a phantom! A request that the
Government would graciously permit me to get rid of five ghosts and an airy
'rickshaw by going to England. Heatherlegh's proposition moved me to almost
hysterical laughter. I told him that I should await the end quietly at Simla;
and I am sure that the end is not far off. Believe me that I dread its advent
more than any word can say; and I torture myself nightly with a thousand
speculations as to the manner of my death.
Shall I die in my bed decently and as an English gentleman should die; or, in
one last walk on the Mall, will my soul be wrenched from me to take its place
forever and ever by the side of that ghastly phantasm? Shall I return to my
old lost allegiance in the next world, or shall I meet Agnes loathing her and
bound to her side through all eternity? Shall we two hover over the scene of
our lives till the end of Time? As the day of my death draws nearer, the
intense horror that all living flesh feels toward escaped spirits from beyond
the grave grows more and more powerful.
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